Making friends

I think one of the hardest things for me to ever do is let go of my friends from the past and begin to replace them with once who would help me grow spiritually. Heck I always thought I could keep everyone in my life, but throughout the years I've realized I can't. I may love some of my friends from the past, but a lot of the times they drag me in to my old habits and then I find myself wondering why I fall. 

However, making new friends that are good for me is hard. I feel as if they won't understand where I've been or what I've personally been through or why I struggle with the things I do. I feel as if the will judge me and never look past my past to see who I am today. 

Fast forward to now. I've made a handful of friends that have helped me through some pretty tough times however when I am with them and they begin to talk about people they have known growing up and they things they have done I picture myself as those people. I do this because heck I was that person at one point in my life. I did the things they talk about and well it sets me back. I start to wonder if they knew my complete past would they still treat me the same? Would they understood where I came from or would I just be another girl they talked about. Which scares me because some of them do know my past personally and it makes me wonder what they say about me when I'm not there. Do they talk the way they do about the other people from their past or do they respect what I've been through. 

I guess what I'm getting at is why do we judge so quickly when you don't know why the person made the decisions they did in their past. We don't understand what they are personally going through or what exactly was said or done during that time. Have you ever found yourself doing that?!? Cause heck I am guilty of it as well especially once I got active again in the church. However after falling down numerous times I've realized I've had to humble myself and gain an understanding of people before I opened my mouth. It's crazy how sometimes you don't realize your doing something until you are around people you care about and see how your being destrutive. 

Relationships

Throughout my life I have always dated people who were not right for me. They were the ones who would treat me right for a short period of time then they would end up hurting me. Either by lying, cheating, using me, or belittling me to the point I didn't have any confidence in myself. I always thought I deserved being treated this way because obviously I had did something to deserve it. 

However looking back on it now I never deserved to be treated that way. I did everything I could to make them happy. I gave them so much to get so little in return. 

Once I got active in the church I still believed I wasn't worthy enough to have someone that would treat me right. So I fell back in to the same routine of letting guys use me and hurt me. Which lead to me feeling more lost and confused than ever because I wasn't doing the things I needed to be doing and I was destroying myself spiritually. 

After I made my decision to finally move forward and not let people hurt me anymore Heavenly Father blessed me with someone who I never thought would give me the time of day. For once I had a guy who treated me with respect. He didn't want anything from me but my friendship and wanting to get to know me more. He truly opened my eyes to what I need to look for.

Even though it was just for a short while he helped me grow in to someone I never thought I could be. Yes I still struggle with my confidence and how I feel about myself, but he helped me realize I am an amazing daughter of God and that I should never settle for less. I truly want to thank him for that and I sure hope in the end he can still be someone I can turn to when I am having my bad days. 

I never thought I'd be lucky enough to experience something so amazing. Yes right now it hurts because I don't want it to end, but it's God plan and I have to believe he has other blessings in store for me. I just have to make it through this trial. As they say Heavenly Father places people in to our lives for a reason good or bad they all teach us something. I just want to thank Heavenly Father for showing me what I need in my life relationship wise.

Time To Heal....

Its Important that we share our experiences with other people. Your story will heal you and your story will heal somebody else. When you tell your story, your free yourself and give other people permission to acknowledge their own story.

Iyanla Vanzant 

While I was writing my new post this quote kept running through my mind. I personally have not talked a lot about the experiences that I have gone through in my life because I have always been afraid of disappointing the ones that mean the most to me, but I realized in order for me to move on and to heal I need to talk about them. I need to finally allow people to know what I have personally have been struggling with so that I can finally have the courage to ask for help not only from people that I am close to but from others that truly can help me through my hard times. Along with this it will help free me from all the doubts, anger, fear, and sadness that I have within myself.

As you all know I am LDS and have been active for about 2 years. Within the 2 years of being active I have struggle with The Law of Chasity. One of the ten commandments that god sees as a very serious sin. I am not proud of this at all. I thought once I got active in the church I would be able to fight all the temptations that Satan would throw at me. Well I was wrong on that part. Satan knows me better than I know myself and he sent me the things I always wanted. Like a boyfriend for example. Being a tattooed LDS girl with a past does not have the boys lining up to date you, I actually would like to say it repels them from you. So when any guy would show interest in me I would do whatever it took to keep them around. As a friend said to me the other night you gave to much of yourself too fast and he was right. I did give to much of myself to them too soon. 

I was just so alone and afraid of losing them at the time that doing that was the only way to keep them around. However looking back on it now it didn't keep them around longer. It actually made them leave faster than they came in to my life. Do I regret making the mistakes that I did yes, yes I do, but I do believe I needed to go through those trials in order for me to humble myself to the point of knowing when I need to stay true to what god is asking of me. If I do so he will bring other blessings in to my life. It brings me back to a post I read on Al Fox's blog "I learned that if I continued to put God first, everything else would fall in to place." 

Which I totally believe in. I've realized now that I have finally started putting god first, full filling my calling in church, reading my scriptures daily, praying and gaining a overall closer relationship with my father in heaven things are slowly falling in to place. I am not going to lie at times it scares me because it is all still really new to me, but I know that my father in heaven has a plan for me and it is one that I cannot wait to find out.  I just have to be patient and see whats in store for me. 

Lets Get to know me :D

Well Hello!
My name is Delina! I am 25 years old and live in lovely Evanston, Wyoming. I graduated from Evanston High School and then went on to attend Western Wyoming Community College on a soccer scholarship. Where I graduated with my Associates of Science in the hope of becoming a nurse one day. That dream is still there I just need to get my butt back in to nursing school!

I am LDS, have over 11 tattoos, and am very active in the church. I was born in to a family that was not active until it was time for me to get baptized and then after being baptized I myself fell away from the church. I have experienced life and now that I am active in my church again there are times when I just wish I could go back and stay active when I was younger, however I know that my father in heaven had a plan for me and I had to go through what I experienced in order to have the testimony that I do now.

With the 2 years of being active in my church I have had a lot of heart ache and trials come my way, but I did not let them stop me from moving forward and becoming the person that I am today. Yes I fell numerous times to temptation, yes I thought I had to settle for less than what I deserved, and yes I did doubt my father in heaven loved me, but after going through it all, all over again I realized that I was wrong on numerous things. My father in heaven loves me more than I will ever know and that his love for me will always be there even when I do not feel worthy of it.

I truly am blessed to be where I am at today within the gospel. I am excited to see where I will end up with in this next year, because to be honest I feel as if my father in heaven has some big plans in store for me and I am super excited to see what they are. I want this blog to touch others and to let them know that no matter where you are in life your always welcome to gods love and that nothing will ever change that even if you have messed up to the point you think you do not deserve it. I am excited to share my journey with you all :D.